Author Topic: To make you laugh...  (Read 14127 times)

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Online Itchigo

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To make you laugh...
« on: September 25, 2013, 11:56:21 PM »
I got this as an e-mail.

Windows vs. Ford
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and  affection  for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read  on.
At a recent computer  expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with  the auto industry and stated,

 

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer  industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the  gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release  stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft,  we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car  would crash.........twice a day.

2.. Every time they  repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new  car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no  reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the  windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you  could continue. For some reason you would simply accept  this.

4.... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left  turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which  case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5..... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the  sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but  would run on only five percent of the roads.

6...... The oil,  water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by  a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning  light.

7....... The airbag system would  ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8........ Occasionally, for no  reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in  until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and  grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9......... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers  would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the  controls would operate in the same manner as the old  car.

10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to  turn the engine off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails,  you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be  instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car  yourself!!
« Last Edit: September 25, 2013, 11:59:26 PM by Itchigo »
Tremble in fear! Behold my Bankai!


Online Itchigo

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Re: To make you laugh...
« Reply #1 on: November 02, 2013, 07:00:37 PM »

Critical Thinking At Its Best!
 
Woman:
Do you drink Beer?
 
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many Beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay Per Beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been Drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I Suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your
spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be Approximately $5400 …Correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for Inflation, The past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, Correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much Beer, That money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 20 years, You could have now Bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink Beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
 
Chalk this one up to the men!!!!!!!!!!
Tremble in fear! Behold my Bankai!


Offline Pintrepid

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Re: To make you laugh...
« Reply #2 on: November 02, 2013, 11:12:22 PM »
An airbag system that asks "Are you SURE???" before deploying ... that IS scary ...  :Cry:

Here's something a little more scary ... a commercial passenger jet flying on IFR in thick fog has this happen 10 seconds before touchdown ....
-PeterMac


Online Itchigo

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Re: To make you laugh...
« Reply #3 on: November 03, 2013, 07:19:22 PM »
All I have to say...
Tremble in fear! Behold my Bankai!


Online Itchigo

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Re: To make you laugh...
« Reply #4 on: November 11, 2013, 03:35:36 AM »
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
 
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
___________________________________
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
EATING OUT
When the Bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and can handle it.
and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
Tremble in fear! Behold my Bankai!


Offline Rukia

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Re: To make you laugh...
« Reply #5 on: November 14, 2013, 12:18:30 AM »
An airbag system that asks "Are you SURE???" before deploying ... that IS scary ...  :Cry:

Here's something a little more scary ... a commercial passenger jet flying on IFR in thick fog has this happen 10 seconds before touchdown ....


OMG!  That would be scary!!
Rukia
Y'all behave yourselves or I'll have to smack ya's!

Offline faralos

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Re: To make you laugh...
« Reply #6 on: November 28, 2013, 05:19:59 PM »
and then there's studies that make no sense but sound like fun
I am never wrong Once I thought I was
 but I was merely mistaken

Offline Rukia

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Re: To make you laugh...
« Reply #7 on: December 01, 2013, 03:32:05 AM »
Found this on Facebook.  I laughed so hard, I nearly peed myself!
 
Rukia
Y'all behave yourselves or I'll have to smack ya's!

Offline Rukia

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Re: To make you laugh...
« Reply #8 on: December 01, 2013, 03:33:15 AM »
Another Facebook pic. 
 
Rukia
Y'all behave yourselves or I'll have to smack ya's!

Offline faralos

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Re: To make you laugh...
« Reply #9 on: December 05, 2013, 11:48:48 AM »
here's a doozy
I am never wrong Once I thought I was
 but I was merely mistaken

Offline Rukia

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Re: To make you laugh...
« Reply #10 on: December 23, 2013, 03:51:45 AM »
Thought y'all might enjoy this!
 
Smooches!
Rukia
Y'all behave yourselves or I'll have to smack ya's!

Offline GSGregg

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Re: To make you laugh...
« Reply #11 on: December 24, 2013, 01:53:20 AM »
So, whutz yer point?   :Pointandlaugh:

Nice snowfall, by the way.....all the fun of winter without leaving my nice, warm house!

Offline faralos

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Re: To make you laugh...
« Reply #12 on: December 26, 2013, 05:40:28 PM »
what day is it?
I am never wrong Once I thought I was
 but I was merely mistaken

Offline Rukia

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Re: To make you laugh...
« Reply #13 on: December 29, 2013, 11:46:33 PM »
LOL!
Rukia
Y'all behave yourselves or I'll have to smack ya's!

Online Itchigo

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Re: To make you laugh...
« Reply #14 on: January 08, 2014, 03:55:29 AM »
lol
Tremble in fear! Behold my Bankai!