Rogue Pinball

Main Forum => General Discussion => Topic started by: Itchigo on September 25, 2013, 11:56:21 PM

Title: To make you laugh...
Post by: Itchigo on September 25, 2013, 11:56:21 PM
I got this as an e-mail.

Windows vs. Ford
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and  affection  for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read  on.
At a recent computer  expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with  the auto industry and stated,

 

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer  industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the  gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release  stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft,  we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car  would crash.........twice a day.

2.. Every time they  repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new  car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no  reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the  windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you  could continue. For some reason you would simply accept  this.

4.... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left  turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which  case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5..... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the  sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but  would run on only five percent of the roads.

6...... The oil,  water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by  a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning  light.

7....... The airbag system would  ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8........ Occasionally, for no  reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in  until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and  grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9......... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers  would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the  controls would operate in the same manner as the old  car.

10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to  turn the engine off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails,  you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be  instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car  yourself!!
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Itchigo on November 02, 2013, 07:00:37 PM

Critical Thinking At Its Best!
 
Woman:
Do you drink Beer?
 
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many Beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay Per Beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been Drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I Suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your
spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be Approximately $5400 …Correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for Inflation, The past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, Correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much Beer, That money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 20 years, You could have now Bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink Beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
 
Chalk this one up to the men!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Pintrepid on November 02, 2013, 11:12:22 PM
An airbag system that asks "Are you SURE???" before deploying ... that IS scary ...  :Cry:

Here's something a little more scary ... a commercial passenger jet flying on IFR in thick fog has this happen 10 seconds before touchdown ....
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Itchigo on November 03, 2013, 07:19:22 PM
All I have to say...
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Itchigo on November 11, 2013, 03:35:36 AM
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
 
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
___________________________________
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.
EATING OUT
When the Bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and can handle it.
and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Rukia on November 14, 2013, 12:18:30 AM
An airbag system that asks "Are you SURE???" before deploying ... that IS scary ...  :Cry:

Here's something a little more scary ... a commercial passenger jet flying on IFR in thick fog has this happen 10 seconds before touchdown ....


OMG!  That would be scary!!
Rukia
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: faralos on November 28, 2013, 05:19:59 PM
and then there's studies that make no sense but sound like fun
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Rukia on December 01, 2013, 03:32:05 AM
Found this on Facebook.  I laughed so hard, I nearly peed myself!
 
Rukia
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Rukia on December 01, 2013, 03:33:15 AM
Another Facebook pic. 
 
Rukia
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: faralos on December 05, 2013, 11:48:48 AM
here's a doozy
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Rukia on December 23, 2013, 03:51:45 AM
Thought y'all might enjoy this!
 
Smooches!
Rukia
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: GSGregg on December 24, 2013, 01:53:20 AM
So, whutz yer point?   :Pointandlaugh:

Nice snowfall, by the way.....all the fun of winter without leaving my nice, warm house!
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: faralos on December 26, 2013, 05:40:28 PM
what day is it?
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Rukia on December 29, 2013, 11:46:33 PM
LOL!
Rukia
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Itchigo on January 08, 2014, 03:55:29 AM
lol
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Itchigo on January 11, 2014, 07:56:15 PM
It's likely that I'm the only one who'll get this, but anyway, for anime fans...
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Druadic on January 20, 2014, 07:30:34 PM
I got this as an e-mail.

Windows vs. Ford
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and  affection  for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read  on.
At a recent computer  expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with  the auto industry and stated,

 

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer  industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the  gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release  stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft,  we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car  would crash.........twice a day.

2.. Every time they  repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new  car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no  reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the  windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you  could continue. For some reason you would simply accept  this.

4.... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left  turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which  case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5..... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the  sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but  would run on only five percent of the roads.

6...... The oil,  water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by  a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning  light.

7....... The airbag system would  ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8........ Occasionally, for no  reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in  until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and  grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9......... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers  would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the  controls would operate in the same manner as the old  car.

10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to  turn the engine off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails,  you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be  instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car  yourself!!

WOW! That's Ford for ya for sure! I own a Ford Ranger and it's their best. They are becoming VERY rare to find used too. I'll NEVER give up my Ranger!!!!

SHAZAM! Ford bites Microsoft's rear end!!!!  :Cool:
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Itchigo on January 20, 2014, 07:43:45 PM
Here's what I drive. 1995 Ford Escort. :Smile:
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Pintrepid on January 21, 2014, 12:45:22 AM
Heh! Niyce licence bracket!  :Green:
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: faralos on January 22, 2014, 09:11:26 AM
wrong on so many levels but hilarious just the same!
definitely the stuff where nightmares come from
Ron Jeremy on a Wrecking Ball (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xljA6zJn4I#ws)
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Druadic on January 22, 2014, 10:03:40 AM
wrong on so many levels but hilarious just the same!
definitely the stuff where nightmares come from
Ron Jeremy on a Wrecking Ball ([url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xljA6zJn4I#ws[/url])


After seeing this, I'll NEVER sleep right again. YIKES!  :Censored:
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Itchigo on January 22, 2014, 06:26:24 PM
Good thing I'm getting drunk tonight, so I won't remember it.... :Downapint: :pizza:
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: GSGregg on January 22, 2014, 07:08:58 PM
I got drunk last night---it didn't help. :Downapint:
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Itchigo on February 07, 2014, 07:52:31 PM
Just came across this on Google!! No idea who did it.

LMFAO!!
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: GSGregg on February 07, 2014, 09:14:30 PM
Anyone like trapeze acts? (Laughter shall come forth momentarily)

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=717211468307619&set=vb.234538950336&type=2&theater (https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=717211468307619&set=vb.234538950336&type=2&theater)
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Itchigo on February 11, 2014, 09:21:25 PM
How about this:

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/weird-news/chicago-news-station-left-pornhub-bookmarked-during-smartphone-report-9120995.html (http://www.independent.co.uk/news/weird-news/chicago-news-station-left-pornhub-bookmarked-during-smartphone-report-9120995.html)
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: GSGregg on February 11, 2014, 11:33:35 PM
....."and you read it first---even prematurely---right here in the XXX-posure Journal!"

(I know.....pretty weak.whaddya want on such short notice?!)
Title: Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Post by: Itchigo on February 12, 2014, 05:07:45 PM

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

SARAH PALIN:  The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs.  No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs.  Period.

JOHN McCAIN:  My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:  What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH:  We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.  We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not.  The chicken is either with us or against us.  There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY:  Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL:  Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON:  I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE:  I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY:  Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!  It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions.  I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON:  Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL:  The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road.  What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH:  Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly.  So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER:  We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE:  That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty!  You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:  To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:  No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going.  I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.  No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:  Did the chicken cross the road?  Did he cross it with a toad?  Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:  To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL:  Because the chicken was gay!  Can't you people see the plain truth?  That's why they call it the 'other side.'  Yes, my friends, that chicken was gay.  If you eat that chicken, you will become gay too.  I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.'  That chicken should not be crossing the road.  It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA:  In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.  Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS:  Isn't that interesting?  In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:  It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:  Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:  I have just released eChicken2013, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook.  Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2013.  This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:  Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS:  Did I miss one?
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: GSGregg on February 13, 2014, 07:43:49 AM
He crossed the road to hurry home and catch the first episode of Survivor: Texas Style.

(Google it if you dare; a lot of Can't-Take-a-Joke types have been commenting, but I think it's hilarious and both of my parents' families hailed from Texas.)
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Druadic on February 27, 2014, 09:38:50 PM
Just came across this on Google!! No idea who did it.

LMFAO!!

What the hell???? LOL!
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Itchigo on April 01, 2014, 12:03:50 AM
Kind of a rant.....

I bought a bird feeder. I hung
It on my back porch and filled
It with seed. What a beauty of
A bird feeder it was, as I filled it lovingly with seed.
Within a week we had hundreds of birds
Taking advantage of the
Continuous flow of free and
Easily accessible food.
 
But then the birds started
Building nests in the boards
Of the patio, above the table,
And next to the barbecue.
 
Then came the poop. It was
Everywhere: on the patio tile,
The chairs, the table ..
Everywhere!
 
Then some of the birds
Turned mean. They would
Dive bomb me and try to
Peck me even though I had
Fed them out of my own
Pocket.
 
And others birds were
Boisterous and loud. They
Sat on the feeder and
Squawked and screamed at
All hours of the day and night
And demanded that I fill it
When it got low on food.
 
After a while, I couldn't even
Sit on my own back porch
Anymore. So I took down the
Bird feeder and in three days
The birds were gone. I cleaned
Up their mess and took down
The many nests they had built
All over the patio.
 
Soon, the back yard was like
It used to be ..... Quiet, serene....
And no one demanding their
Rights to a free meal.
 
Now let's see......
Our government gives out
Free food, subsidized housing,
Free medical care and free
Education, and allows anyone
Born here to be an automatic
Citizen.
 
Then the illegal's came by the
Tens of thousands. Suddenly
Our taxes went up to pay for
Free services; small apartments
Are housing 5 families; you
Have to wait 6 hours to be seen
By an emergency room doctor;
Your child's second grade class is
Behind other schools because
Over half the class doesn't speak
English.
 
Corn Flakes now come in a
Bilingual box; I have to
'press one ' to hear my bank
Talk to me in English, and
People waving flags other
Than �ours� are
Squawking and screaming
In the streets, demanding
More rights and free liberties.
 
Just my opinion, but maybe
it's time for the government
To take down the bird feeder.
 
If you agree, pass it on; if not,
Just continue cleaning up the poop! [/font]
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: GSGregg on April 01, 2014, 01:17:34 AM
There may be an investment opportunity as demand for bigger shovels materializes.....

Hey, Tim! What's it like, finding yourself in a Hitchcock movie?

Gregg
Title: The Rogue Buisness Model....
Post by: Itchigo on April 03, 2014, 10:34:53 AM
Just came across this, and I thought it was appropriate...
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Druadic on April 03, 2014, 11:04:56 AM
ROFL!  That's about right there! FUNNY!  :Green:
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Itchigo on April 26, 2014, 08:50:34 PM
How about this?
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Druadic on May 02, 2014, 10:42:57 PM
How about this?

Great. Now VP is getting the "door to door" treatment.  :Cool:
Title: Been there, done that...
Post by: Itchigo on May 17, 2014, 04:01:24 AM
Had this happen in Springfield IL on I-55 years ago, didn't go off into a field though.

Driver Saves Semi-Truck from Tipping over due to High Winds during Tornado Season (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aB6aHNHN0c#)
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: GSGregg on May 17, 2014, 04:50:47 AM
I'm going to tell Sister Martha that the narrators were yelling "Phooey! Phooey!"

Hens don't try to fly in that weather, and trucks shouldn't try to haul eggs!  :Hellno:  :Iagree:
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Rukia on May 18, 2014, 02:17:01 PM
Ok guys!  This one's for you!
Rukia
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: GSGregg on May 18, 2014, 05:05:24 PM
(Chuckle) No bones about it!
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Rukia on May 27, 2014, 07:15:08 AM
And you thought it was just a harmless little bunny rabbit!
 
Rukia
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Pintrepid on May 29, 2014, 01:25:16 AM
Ooooh, nooooooo! I'm gonna have nitemares! Vampire Wabbit gonna GIT me!!!!
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: GSGregg on May 29, 2014, 05:45:32 AM
Brother May-Nard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade! (Silly Wabbit!)
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: faralos on May 30, 2014, 07:01:55 AM
funny pic here!
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Itchigo on July 31, 2014, 08:10:54 PM
I want one!!
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: randr on July 31, 2014, 09:46:42 PM
Very cool desk!
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Itchigo on September 03, 2014, 09:44:05 PM
(http://funny-pictures-blog.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/How-we-get-Oil-and-Natural-GAS.jpg)
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: randr on September 03, 2014, 10:35:31 PM
Lol
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Rukia on September 09, 2014, 10:39:56 PM
Saw this on facebook and thought it was hysterical!!
Peace out!
Rukia
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Rukia on September 16, 2014, 08:50:04 AM
No comment!
Rukia
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: GSGregg on September 16, 2014, 11:33:15 AM
YEAH!!! Another variation of the Human Torch!
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Itchigo on September 16, 2014, 11:19:50 PM
Wait, that's our house!? :Green:
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Itchigo on October 16, 2014, 01:30:05 AM
Nuff said. :Green:
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: GSGregg on October 16, 2014, 04:54:33 AM
GUFFAW!

All that's missing is a 'medical' marijuana dispensary.
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Itchigo on November 02, 2014, 09:28:00 AM
lol
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: Itchigo on September 26, 2015, 07:45:19 PM
Found this today...
Title: Re: To make you laugh...
Post by: GSGregg on September 27, 2015, 03:45:47 AM
"That depends on how you define *#@!ing."

---W. J. Clinton,  pick a date